Flirting Lessons

“Your test for a woman you’ve wanted to fuck all summer—and don’t tell me you haven’t—was that she had to flirt with you? They should have named you Taylor ‘Playing with Fire’ Cameron. Someone who didn’t know you as well as I do would think you’d done that on purpose, that you’d set a trap all ready for her to walk right into. But you’re neither that crafty nor manipulative; you wouldn’t do something like that on purpose.”

“I would like that woman to do very dirty things to me.”

“You know that’s not true; I have all the faith in the world in you. I know that you can get literally any woman that you want if you set your mind to it. Your power is too strong; the queer women of Northern California need a break, that’s all!”

“I am simply helping introduce her to queer society, that’s all. She had a dunce of a boyfriend for years, and now she’s gotten rid of him and is ready to date women. It’s like she’s a debutante, and I’m her chaperone.”

“Let’s go inside now. Because I’ve been dying to see those hips of yours move again for me, but up close this time.”

“And now I believe you mean it. I feel so sexy when I’m with you. I’ve never felt like this with anyone before. I’ve felt pretty or whatever, but not sexy. It feels amazing.”

“It’s…I don’t know, I haven’t had a relationship like it. Like, I’m excited whenever I see her, and I have a great time with her, but also being around her doesn’t stress me out? I’m weirdly proud of myself; part of the point of the flirting lessons in the first place was to learn how to do casual, no-stress relationships, and I did it, and it feels great.”

“I have so much space in my life now to have fun, be wild, get some hobbies, make new friends, flirt with, like, dozens of people at parties like this, all those things that people are supposed to do in their twenties, but I never did. I’m going to turn thirty at the end of the year. Does that mean that I’m stuck being the same boring person I’ve been forever?”

“Avery. I like you. I’m not doing these flirting lessons for you because I’m ‘taking pity’ on you—I’m not that kind of person. I’m not that nice! I wouldn’t hang out with someone on a weekly basis if I didn’t like them. We are friends, and friends help each other out. I mean, that’s if you want to be. I don’t know, maybe you don’t like me, in which case I just made a fool of myself, but then I do that often, so—”

“You are such an overachiever. Of course you would think you were failing at flirting after only two lessons. You’re not getting graded on this, you know!”

“I would like that woman to do very dirty things to me.”

“You know they’re all jealous of you, right? Like, they’re your friends, and I like them, and they clearly adore you, but they’re jealous that you’re so hot and charming and magnetic—don’t make that face, you know it’s true. They wish they were like you, someone who can just snap your fingers and date any woman you want, present company included."

“I’m sort of a recovering perfectionist, and I’m trying to get rid of those tendencies—at least for the things where it’s okay to learn and play and mess up, you know what I mean? I can understand that you felt like it’s not perfect because you had bumps in the road. But I’m trying to embrace that imperfection along the way is part of any good process.”

“So, I didn’t say ‘dress like the hottest thing in Napa Valley,’ but I’m going to thank you for doing that nonetheless.”

“Do you seriously believe that she’s totally fine with this being a one-night stand or whatever, and that she’s not all into you now? Because we’ve both seen it happen many times when a woman falls hard for the first woman she has sex with, and we both have experience with falling hard for our first, I’m just saying.”

“She learned from the best, so I’m not surprised. But also—you realize that this means that your goal for a no-drama summer is now lost for good, right? This woman is definitely going to fall for you.”

“You’re right. It feels so…bold to keep looking at someone when they give me a compliment. Like I think I deserve it.”

“Where the fuck did you get that dress, and can all of your clothes come from there for the rest of your life?”

“Avery has been there for me…anytime I needed her, and a few times when I thought I didn’t need her but was wrong. She doesn’t ask for help much, but when she does, I’d do anything to help her. She’s a great person. A special person.”

“I don’t believe in friends with benefits. Either you like each other and you’re fucking, which means you’re dating, or you don’t like each other and you’re fucking, which means you’re just fucking. If you try to pretend there’s a middle ground, it all goes to shit. I’m saying I like you, and I want to keep hanging out with you, and I definitely want to keep fucking you.

“First of all, I was not ‘exchanging looks’ with anyone, I was simply smiling a hello to people who smiled hellos to me. Do you want me to be rude? And secondly, wow, you have so little faith in me.”

“Oh. Just stuff I already knew. Heartbreaker, champion flirt, allergic to long-term relationships, that kind of thing.”