Merry Christmas, You Filthy Animal

“I love her, Dwight. I’d do anything for her. Fucking anything. I was actually . . . hell, I was going to take her to the outlook point, and I was going to tell her everything today. That’s where we were headed. I was going to tell her how this all started and how it turned into so much more.”

“It’s one thing to create a business. It’s a whole other thing to try to sell an experience, and that’s the difference between a successful business and one that crashes and burns after the first year.”

“Could be a new thing. Maybe instead of a crowbar at check-in, they each get a how-to tip sheet with a box of chocolate-covered cherries. We could call it the cherry cordial sixty-nine.”

“I thought about these lips all fucking day.”

“She is on a mission to put lovable me out of business, and the only way to change her vision is to woo her. To make her fall head over heels in love with me.”

“And then I got to know you, I saw myself in you, I saw how well we meshed, how I felt comfortable around you, and I immediately knew, this is my person. And I went from seeking revenge to attempting to get you to like me.”

“So please, forgive me . . . forgive us, because we don’t want you to go. We want you here, contributing to this town, adding friendship and laughter and smiles. Please stay, Betty, because . . . I love you and I can’t fathom you leaving. Not when I just found you.”

“I don’t have a hate list, but if I were to have a hate list, your name would not be on it.”

“I didn’t wear a bra because I figured you’d strip me down the minute I walked through the door, but boy, was I wrong. We’ve been doing arts and crafts for an hour now, and not a single orgasm has been had.”

“For the record, I wasn’t trespassing in a creepy way. Just, you know, trying to gather information.”

“They were clearly playing around with the garland in a sexual manner, and we walked in on them. It’s got to be something the young people are doing these days. Probably saw it on social media somewhere.”

“Don’t tempt me. I might pull you under some mistletoe and knock those boots right off your feet.”

“Dude, if this is about the invaders, I’m not fucking doing this today. I’m tired, and I want to get home so I can just hang out with my wife and daughters.”

“I fucking love kissing you.”

“I was going to tell her that I love her, because I knew you were coming home, I knew I was going to have to have a hard conversation with you, and I wanted her to know how I felt before I had that conversation.”

“Dude, I’m not kidding you when I say I think she’s it. I know it hasn’t been long since I’ve known her, but I’m not kidding, man. I feel it in my bones. She’s it.”

“Because, Betty, after this morning, I didn’t think that you’d even talk to me, and now you’re here, in my house, sharing a bed with me. I don’t . . . I don’t want to fuck this up.”

“Bringing you here, it wasn’t so I could manipulate you, so you could believe that I’m some kind of good guy when I’m not. I brought you here because the moment I thought that you might not have a backup power source, I felt this deep-rooted panic inside me.”