Merry Christmas, You Filthy Animal

“She is on a mission to put lovable me out of business, and the only way to change her vision is to woo her. To make her fall head over heels in love with me.”

“Don’t tempt me. I might pull you under some mistletoe and knock those boots right off your feet.”

“I thought about these lips all fucking day.”

“You can run anything by me. You know I’m here to support you.”

“So please, forgive me . . . forgive us, because we don’t want you to go. We want you here, contributing to this town, adding friendship and laughter and smiles. Please stay, Betty, because . . . I love you and I can’t fathom you leaving. Not when I just found you.”

“Fucking delicious. Jesus, I want you for dessert every goddamn day.”

“Dude, if this is about the invaders, I’m not fucking doing this today. I’m tired, and I want to get home so I can just hang out with my wife and daughters.”

“For the record, I wasn’t trespassing in a creepy way. Just, you know, trying to gather information.”

“You might annoy the fuck out of me, but like you said, best friends forever.”

“Bringing you here, it wasn’t so I could manipulate you, so you could believe that I’m some kind of good guy when I’m not. I brought you here because the moment I thought that you might not have a backup power source, I felt this deep-rooted panic inside me.”

“Dude, I’m not kidding you when I say I think she’s it. I know it hasn’t been long since I’ve known her, but I’m not kidding, man. I feel it in my bones. She’s it.”

“I was going to tell her that I love her, because I knew you were coming home, I knew I was going to have to have a hard conversation with you, and I wanted her to know how I felt before I had that conversation.”

“I don’t have a hate list, but if I were to have a hate list, your name would not be on it.”

“It’s one thing to create a business. It’s a whole other thing to try to sell an experience, and that’s the difference between a successful business and one that crashes and burns after the first year.”

“The only time I ever dominate is in the bedroom.”

“And then I got to know you, I saw myself in you, I saw how well we meshed, how I felt comfortable around you, and I immediately knew, this is my person. And I went from seeking revenge to attempting to get you to like me.”

“I’m clearly not a fan of what you’re trying to do. I think it’s wrong, I think it’s vindictive, and I don’t understand why you’re doing it, especially since you don’t really know me or my family, but . . . Jesus Christ, Betty. I’m so fucking attracted to you that it’s . . . it’s fucking with my head.”

“I didn’t wear a bra because I figured you’d strip me down the minute I walked through the door, but boy, was I wrong. We’ve been doing arts and crafts for an hour now, and not a single orgasm has been had.”