Story of My Life

“Because you would have panicked and spent a week overanalyzing the whole thing before deciding that us having a few drinks in public and only having meaningless, no-strings sex with each other was too much of a commitment. Then I would have had to put in another week of being extra sexy around the jobsite until you threw caution to the wind and got back in bed with me.”

“You don’t have to unpack my books. That seems more like a boyfriend job than a no-strings-sex partner job.”

“Fuck. I need to move, baby. This table won’t hold, and I need to get you someplace where I can take you hard and fast. You good with that?”

“Oh my God. Are you seriously sitting here thinking that the sex was so good I’m automatically going to demand a committed relationship with you?”

“It was a onetime thing. I took her out on a fake date for research purposes. It was her idea. I was just being nice.”

“You know, like you’re in a new relationship and everything is hot and sexy and you just want to be naked all the time, so you end up having sex everywhere but the bed?”

“I thought I’d work my way up to a grand gesture. But it’s tough with you dating every single man in town.”

“You’re damn right we are. And we could have been fucked-up together.”

“Yet here you are, almost twenty years after your high school boyfriend dumps you, and you’re still trying to get revenge. You’ve got a husband and kids and probably a nice house with lake views. But you’re still thinking about the one who got away. That’s just sad.”

“What’s happening here is you’re trying to provoke a misunderstanding that will force us to go our separate ways. Readers don’t like that in books and women sure as hell don’t like it in real life. It’s a lazy conflict that’s too easily avoided by two adults communicating which is what I am doing right now.”

“If you’re looking for poetry and romance, you’re with the wrong guy.”

“I can tell you’re tired. Your penis descriptions start to go downhill.”

“You narcissistic ass clown.”

“You don’t get to unpack all this emotional baggage and trauma that you’ve been carting around since probably childhood that has nothing to do with me and then use it against me.”

“Oh my god. Your mother just texted the group and said, ‘Your brother’s always in a better mood when he’s sexually satisfied.’ Now all your siblings are sending vomit emojis.”

“The whole town knows we belong together. I know it now too. And I’m not letting you go.”

“We fucked each other in the back seat of a pickup truck in a parking lot, and you want to talk about the sewage plant?”

“You’re the worst. I’m mad at you, in case you forgot. I wouldn’t get naked with you again if you were the last big-dicked man on the planet.”